the only serious post i will ever make.

[tyrant]

[Kris@WLP]

[Crunch Jackson]

[tyrant]

[K-MacK]

Tyrant, I realise that this is a real blindside, and you feel like you are somehow at fault...but you aren't.
Should'a, Could'a, Would'a: we ALL use those words, and we are all wrong! Your roommate made a decision for himself, and there isn't a single thing you could'a said or done to stop it, short of having him comitted for suspicion of "Being a danger to Himself or Others"; in short, a Psych 72 hour hold.
What would that accomplish? Maybe, just maybe some Headshrinker would have actually helped him, but most likely, he would have B.S.'d himself through the "hold" and then gone ahead and done himself...and maybe have taken you along for the ride. Other possibility: He'd have a supply of "Happiness Pills" prescribed, and slowly melted his pre-frontal lobes into syrup with prescription drugs.
You are RESPONSIBLE for that to which you are ABLE to RESPOND, not the whole world. Hard lesson, but vital.
First find out WHY John decided to end his life. You'll probably learn that there wasn't a thing you could have done to stop it...so stop beating yourself up for something that you could not have stopped, short of having John comitted.
It's easy to "see" things, like "the Signs" looking backward at an event, but it's bloody damn impossible to see those same "Signs" when you aren't specifically looking for Suicidal Ideations and Actings-out...and you weren't. It's easy to say this, because Pre-Suicidal stuff isn't all that obvious. >>>Was he suddenly acting happy, like he hadn't a care in the World? Was he giving gifts...usually stuff of his own...to friends and acquaintances? Was he spending every penny he had, playing and having fun, seemingly without a care in the world? Had he set a date when he would say "Everything's gonna be allright, then?"<<< These are all Pre-Suicide activities, and unless you have had the training to actually recognize them, you'll just shine them right over.
What he did was tragic, What he did was incredibly selfish (unless he was terminally ill), and What he did was stupid: Suicide ends chances to get better, forever.
Sometimes, Suicide is done to intentionally hurt others: like he has hurt you. That's why I say FIND OUT WHY!!!!
You say that Life got in your way...it does that, no fault to you. If it's important to you, it's not B.S....it's your life!
Before you do any more self-flagellation, get the facts; man! Don't assume, approach as if you know nothing about this death, and learn what went down from professionals. (Expect to talk to the Police a lot over the next few weeks) And foremost, remember it's not your fault, now or ever.
Bright Goddess grant you Peace and self-forgiveness...

[Wizard_of_odd]

Sorry if I'm not going to be my usual "happy go lucky" self in my next few posts , but as both Tyrant and myself have said too many times " we are sick and tired of having our friends fill graves".

We both have seen too many of our close personal friends die due to suicide , drug addiction/overdose , murder , accidents , and manslaughter.

Tyrant is taking it pretty hard , and that is understandable , what bothers me is that I have gotten so used to death , that I realy don't feel anything at the moment.

I know this makes me seem a bit cold-hearted and callious , but after losing so many and so much over the last few years , I realy struggle to feel anything at all.

The loss of someone I deemed as a "little brother" is great , and I will miss him deeply , but right now I am so devoid of all emotion that I am starting to scare myself I can understand anger and hatred , but saddness is almost an entirely lost concept on my behalf , I know I should be sad , but I have no more tears left to shed as it seems and this fact disturbs me greatly.

Right now I realy have no idea what to do , or where life will take me at this moment in time.

Sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings in the proccess of submiting this post but right now I am in a state of utter confusion.

Thank you all for your concern.

Wizard of Odd

[K-MacK]

You say that you feel nothing, you are empty, devoid of emotion: realize that this is a coping mechanism. This non-feeling is your spirit protecting itself from a great deal of pain, allowing you to function.
I suspect you have never been in Combat: the real thing, where the whistle by your ear is a bullet, your Six-cover has just had a neat hole punched in his helmet right above his left eye, and there are about sixty-eleven little people in black pajamas charging your position.
I'm familiar with that "nothing" feeling. It's you, going into survival mode.
It may help you to know that when the stress is over, you will probably want to get drunk, grieve, and (sorry, Kris) screw yourself crosseyed.
My friend: you are Coping. Tyrant is not. He will need you for your calm and directed mind. You are his Six-cover, right now, and I expect you will get your buddy through this: after all, that's what buddys do for each other.
I'll repeat what I told Tyrant: Get the Facts! Right now, you're both going on mostly supposition and you need to get Facts so you can start the Closure process.
You speak of having had too many "friends" die. Going by what you reference as the causes of their deaths, perhaps you should take another look at your social circle...and adjust it to one less interleaved with destructive personalities. Destructive personalities are catching...and I'd hate to see you or Tyrant come down with a case of destructive personality; it's damn hard to cure, and usually fatal.
Stay calm, until you have all the facts and have worked out why this young person decided to throw away all his chances to change things for the better. You might be surprised at what you find.
Hang in there, friend: I did, and forty years later, it's still worth it.

[tyrant]

[Queen of Night]

[tyrant]

[Crunch Jackson]

Holy crap, tyrant. Many, many sympathies and condolences...

[K-MacK]

[tyrant]

[Queen of Night]