My life has been filled with insecurities, ever since childhood. I've always been in doubt of my own talents, my abilities, to the point that I find myself pimping my latest creations to total strangers over the Internet in the faint, forlorn hope that someone will say something nice about my creations.
In short, I'm a pretty normal human being.
One of the things I enjoy is reading aloud to other people bits of literature, comics, etc. that I like. Unfortunately, my voice is only a shade off of perfect for a deep-woods bible-thumping fundamentalist preacher, and only a shade away from perfectly awful for listening to. If I had three wishes, the first one would be for eternal active health and youth, the second for a steady supply of income for the rest of my immortal life... but the third one would be for a voice about an octave lower, not held hostage by my ever-rebelling sinuses.
Then I found out that Ben 'Gryphon' Hutchins, the man who rules Eyrie Productions, Unltd. with an iron fist, was recording radio spots for his current employer, a podunk newspaper in Maine. (Having worked for podunk newspapers myself, I don't envy him much... although he does get paid better than I ever did, a fact I know because he can afford to live by himself and buy his own food, which I couldn't on the dollar-per-column-inch I made as a reporter.)
Anyway, radio. I didn't think much about it then because, well, podunk newspaper, podunk radio station. The only qualification for small-outlet radio ads is that you speak loudly and distinctly, and as KETX here in Polk County, TX demonstrates, if you own the station you don't even need that. (And people wonder why old style local channels continue to die out...)
Then Gryphon decided to attempt making his own books-on-tape, beginning with an article he wrote for his newspaper (not realizing, at the time, that anything he wrote became the property of the paper- I've had a few articles reprinted without my knowledge that way). I spent an hour downloading the file, listened... and was appalled.
When I'd met Gryphon face-to-face, I thought his voice was more or less the same as my own- tone, inflection, everything except accent. Put a mike in front of him, though, and he becomes Orson Welles. His voice was -beautiful.- I could sit back, close my eyes, and imagine Ben Hutchins, News Station WXYZ Eleventy-Forty, delivering the five o'clock news.
To make things even worse, the material he was reading- material he wrote himself, recounting something that actually happened to him- was better than anything non-fiction I've ever written. I mean, the NERVE of the guy! Here he was, getting paid better for writing than I've ever managed, reading out loud better than I ever could, and writing material I'd gnaw off my right arm to be capable of. (I specify my right arm because I'm left-handed.)
Obviously this insult could not be borne. No, I had to challenge my arch-rival on his own turf- by buying myself a computer mike and recording my own article.
Well, this morning I spent $9 on the only computer mike Wal-Mart had in stock. I brought it home, plugged it in, and discovered straight away that I had no software worth a crap for recording voices. Not a problem- I'll just download some shareware, said I, and after revealing my intentions to my friends I got a line on a program which should work just fine.
So, I have my mike, my machine, and now I need something to read. I went through my old emails and posts to Usenet- the only places in which I post any writings about myself- and realized, after several hours of searching, that I only write about real life when I'm angry. Although I make fun of my life when I talk, it seems that I'm not able to sit down and write about it without a lot of anger getting through and turning everything into garbage. Kind of like Rush Limbaugh, I guess.
I tried writing a new article, and I've recorded that just so the rest of you can write me emails denying that my voice is the sort of thing that scares small children. (If you don't want to wait forever for it to download, you can read it too- it's more of the same, me trying to be funny and just being bitter and sarcastic instead.) I'm recording this too, which makes this amusing to me, if nobody else; after all, if you were reading instead of listening, you'd probably be done by now.
Still, after hearing my voice recorded, I have to admit that Gryph has the better voice, and is better at making the visccitudes of life seem amusing. He's a very talented person, and all in all I have to say I'm honored to know him and regard him as a friend.
The bastard.
This page last updated August 30, 2003.